your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
