shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
