How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
