u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
