So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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