oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
