How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
