Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
