piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
