my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Let's get the cat blown out
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
