Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
