Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
