I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
