I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
