allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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