Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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