The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
