I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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