This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize