Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
