I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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