weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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