oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
