why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I haven't been this sober since birth.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
