I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
