don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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