"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Pants are for mortals
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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