ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
