So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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