I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
