I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
