best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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