Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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