I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Randomize
