This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
