Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
