i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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