youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
