just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
