I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
