Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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