I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
