I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Randomize