Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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