I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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