I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
we should paint friendship bongs
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