I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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