I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
