someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
