i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
