I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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