I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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