The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
