I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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