Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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