I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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