Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
